


don’t you know that i’m hurting (for you)

by DONGPYOWO



Series: Songfics [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Established Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le, Haechan being the greatest friend, Hurt/Comfort, Jeno and Jaemin deserve the world, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Na Jaemin Are Best Friends, M/M, Mentioned Huang Ren Jun, Mentioned Park Jisung (NCT), Mentioned Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Mentioned Zhong Chen Le, Minor Huang Ren Jun/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Sad Na Jaemin, Soft Na Jaemin, Sweet Mark Lee (NCT)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-04 11:04:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20469983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DONGPYOWO/pseuds/DONGPYOWO
Summary: “I’m really OKI gave a lot of waterTo my flower of laughterAs I was taking care of thingsI threw away my emotionsI don’t want to careIf you’re gonna keep making that faceLet’s just stay for 30 more minutes then leave“—sooljalee ; giriboyif someone told five-year old jaemin he’d come to fall in love with someone like jeno — who was the sun reincarnated, everything good in the world, and jaemin’s best friend since birth, then he’d look at you with the biggest smile and tell you he already did.if someone told teenage jaemin he’d still be in love with said best friend even as he got older, he would’ve shrugged, unsurprised.who wouldn’t love jeno?





	don’t you know that i’m hurting (for you)

**Author's Note:**

> this was originally supposed to be a jaeyong fanfic but after i finished writing it i thought i’d make it nomin instead.
> 
> if you see taeyong’s or jaehyun’s names in the fic then it’s probably because i didn’t notice it therefore, i couldn’t change it. 
> 
> anyway, enjoy! this is based off of sooljalee by giriboy, you should give khh and krnb a try!

jaemin’s made a lot of mistakes in his life. hairstyles he regrets and would rather forget, things he’s said or done that’s made him look like an idiot, decisions he’s made he wishes he could take back; the one mistake he knows he’ll regret forever is right in front of him.

jaemin wishes he could take it all back.

he knows it’s his fault for making his feelings grow since it’s an unspoken rule you can’t fall in love with your best friend. the chances are — you’ll always stay as the best friend. jaemin doesn’t really care about that rule, he’s seen best friends fall in love.

sure, renjun and lucas had a rocky start, but they’re inseparable. chenle and jisung declared their future marriage when they were barely able to form a proper sentence; telling their parents with determined faces and hands held tightly together that they’d marry each other. donghyuck and mark were a couple even before they confessed and they’ve been friends since elementary. jaemin can fall in love with his childhood best friend, right? that’s what donghyuck said as they had their weekly gays night out.

“you’ll only regret not telling him sooner,” donghyuck told him as he poured himself a drink to prepare for their movie night. “isn’t it worth a shot?”

jaemin just hummed in acknowledgement to hopefully get donghyuck to stop talking. “jeno’s gonna fall in love and you’ll be stuck with his name in your heart,” the other male added. “you’ve been in love with him ever since you knew what the word meant nana. he’s your best friend, he’ll understand.” jaemin sighed and took a sip of his cola.

“what if he doesn’t like me _because_ i’m his best friend? what’s gonna happen when he doesn’t feel the same way?” jaemin wrung his hands together at the thought of jeno rejecting him. “i’m blaming it on you.” jaemin mumbled into his drink.

“you can’t blame me if you don’t try it when i ask,” donghyuck singsonged. “and if he does reject you then there’s plenty of fish in the sea.”

jaemin snorted at his friend’s words. “if mark had rejected you how quickly would you move on?” donghyuck looked determined at the answer he was going to give but jaemin cut him off. “you’ve been in love with him for years too, hyuck. remember that.” the answer the older had in mind seemed to disappear as he kept thinking of mark.

“it’d probably take a while,” donghyuck shrugged. “but sooner or later i’d have to find happiness for myself, nana. you can’t just love jeno even after he’s said he doesn’t feel the same, that isn’t fair to you.” jaemin knows that more than anyone, but his happiness is jeno’s. until jeno finds his own happiness, jaemin will find his own. he won’t tell donghyuck that, knowing he’d just scold him and call him an idiot. jaemin knows — understands that he’s the biggest idiot for putting someone else’s happiness before his. though jaemin would be lying if he said he wasn’t prepared for the misery that would come if jeno didn’t reciprocate his feelings.

donghyuck took a sip of his drink and motioned for his friend to follow him. “enough of this love stuff, let’s go eat and watch a movie”. jaemin followed him into the living room where everything was set up. ten was probably going to put a sad romance movie to get jaemin closer to revealing his feelings. “if you put ‘the fault in our stars’ on and tell me about how jeno might die before i say i love him i’m cancelling gays night out.”

donghyuck gasped before he could hit the play button on his computer connected to the tv. “how did you know?” he asked and pressed it without regrets. “it could happen nana, you’ll never know.” donghyuck said with a smirk.

—

it’s all because of donghyuck’s stupid talks that he’s now out drinking with jeno at his own home. jeno has arrived with as much soju as he could bring. “delivery for jaemin, who can’t drink more than half a bottle.” jaemin rolled his eyes playfully and punched jeno’s shoulder lightly.

“just come in loser, i have the food ready.” jaemin pointed to the table filled with meat, other dishes, and rice. “thank you for being a world class cook oh perfect nana.” jeno said as he set down the bottles and shot glasses and sat down. jaemin took the space next to jeno and awkwardly scrolled to find a movie that he could quietly play in the background to make the confession a lot easier for him.

jeno seemed to get tired of the silence and initiated any kind of small talk. “you’ve been distracted lately,” he says, to which jaemin freezes before recollecting himself and brushing the comment off cooly. “you can always talk to me.” jaemin just waved it off with a small smile.

“is it that obvious?” he asked with a chuckle. “it’s just some things i’m worried about, i’ll tell you once i figure it out myself. no need to worry about me.” jeno side eyed jaemin suspiciously before letting the topic go.

“just as long as you’re okay.” jeno says with a smile of his own, dimples on full display. jaemin feels hearts come out of his chest as he stares at his friend’s contagious smile. oh god jaemin was absolutely and utterly whipped.

jaemin can’t back out on his confession now though.

—

“sorry about hyuckie being so stubborn,” mark said to jaemin when donghyuck had dramatically locked himself into the bathroom when jaemin said he’ll think about going on dates later in the future — an excuse he’s always said to his other best friend. “he just worries about you in weird ways.” jaemin doesn’t respond and instead nods.

it’s silent again, mark and jaemin standing there waiting for donghyuck to come out of the bathroom and get over the situation. “i’m guessing you already know why hyuck’s being sensitive?” jaemin asked when donghyuck still hadn’t come out of the bathroom.

mark scratches the back of his head guiltily with a small smile. “he doesn’t really notice what he says during his rants.” jaemin just nods. mark’s always been better with understanding people, donghyuck’s better with his words. (though they come off a little too straightforward.)

mark side eyed jaemin before deciding it’s his turn to pep talk his friend. “i don’t want to talk to you about this and make you think i’m agreeing with donghyuck or disregarding your feelings but,” mark pauses to try and find the best words to make sure jaemin doesn’t storm into the other bathroom across from the one donghyuck’s in. “i want you to know whatever you decide to do with your feelings, hyuck will accept it either way.”

jaemin wanted to believe donghyuck wouldn’t go on a rampage, he really did, though it’s impossible to really understand what goes through his friend’s mind. “if there’s anyone else as close to you as jeno is, it’s donghyuck. as much as he doesn’t want to see you get hurt, he also wants you to move on,” mark places a hand on jaemin’s shoulder reassuringly. “you should talk it out with jeno if you’re so worried about the relationship between you two, you’ve been ignoring him for weeks.”

god, jaemin hated how wise mark could get when he fully understood someone’s situation.

jaemin wanted donghyuck to hear his next words, hopefully getting him to back off, but mark being there would suffice. donghyuck would get the answer out of mark somehow. “i was planning on talking to nono about,” jaemin makes a circular motion with his hands before dropping them in defeat. “about everything soon.” he says with a sigh.

“that’s good.” mark said with a relieved smile. the both of them aren’t the closest of friends, but they understood each other without words. jaemin was comfortable around mark, he was a nice break from how pushy donghyuck could get. “do you think he likes me back?” jaemin asked, a small glimpse of hope shining from his eyes.

mark didn’t want to lie to him, but he didn’t want to discourage jaemin either. “whatever happens, happens,” jaemin was slightly disappointed at the answer, but he knew he couldn’t settle with a dishonest answer either. “you also said it yourself jaem, that you’d let go.”

jaemin looks down to the floor. “i know i did.” he whispers.

when donghyuck finally comes out of the bathroom, they don’t speak about the conversation between the two both of them.

—

jaemin was listening attentively to what jeno had to say. all stories from the job he works at, jaemin laughs along even if it wasn’t very funny. they recollected themselves, food still spread across the table, soju barely touched. which wasn’t too bad. maybe jaemin could drink himself closer to courage. “you’ve been eyeing that bottle for a while,” jeno teased. “does tipsy nana want another sip?” jaemin pushed jeno away lightly with an embarrassed smile.

“not everyone is blessed with a high tolerance.” the younger whined when jeno chanted ‘tipsy nana’ over and over. jaemin pushed his friend over, which didn’t take too much strength much to jaemin’s surprise, and toppled them over. jaemin now lying on top of jeno’s chest while he held him by the waist protectively. jeno laughed at the surprised look on jaemin’s face. “a drunk jaemin is a clingy jaemin.”

the pink haired male huffed at the light tease. “we barely opened the soju, i can at least hold a quarter of it.” jaemin wonders if jeno could hear how fast his heart was beating, jeno’s arms still around his waist.

“i missed this.” jeno whispered as he looked at jaemin directly. the pair had no intentions of moving away.

jaemin missed this too.

both jaemin and jeno have always been affectionate, attached to the hip as toddlers. both their parents were friends so sleepovers were frequent, both boys at a young age not able to sleep without each other. it’s a little embarrassing for them to admit that their younger selves were a little too clingy, but in the end nothing really changed over the years.

sure they don’t cry anymore when they aren’t together, and they can sleep perfectly fine without each other at night, but there’s still the same fondness in their eyes. no matter how many years go by, it won’t change.

it’s always been jeno and jaemin as well as it is jaemin and jeno. a packaged deal. no one saw their clinginess as odd seeing as they were both very young, but of course it had to change as they got older.

jaemin would be lying if he said he wasn’t disappointed when jeno started putting boundaries and watching how much he attached himself to the younger, but life can be a bitch. outside was minimal skinship, anything that wouldn’t make adults or other kids degrade them. when they were alone, it was different.

as jaemin stares into jeno’s eyes, all that ran through his head was, _‘i only want him.’_

he wants to only hear jeno’s laugh in the mornings, only wants to feel jeno’s hands in his, wants to wake up with jeno beside him. jaemin wants to be happy, and happiness in jaemin’s eyes starts and ends with his best friend.

jaemin musters up the courage to confess slowly, lifting himself off of jeno’s chest and waiting for his friend to sit up. “i have something to tell you,” jaemin wastes no time in getting straight to the point. jaemin may have been ready to tell the older, but he couldn’t look him in the eyes. “i’ve been debating whether i should tell you or not but...”

jaemin takes in a deep breath to calm his frantic heart. “for as long as i can remember i’ve been completely and undeniably in love with you,” jaemin says and finally looks up at jeno, whose eyes widen in surprise. “for years it’s only been you, no one has come close to changing that for me. i don’t regret falling in love especially since it’s you, whose believed in me when i couldn’t believe in myself. you’ve been my happiness for the longest time, and i thought i’d finally tell you. i love you, nono.”

jeno is silent for a moment before taking his friend’s hands in his. jaemin’s heart goes back to beating faster, hands warm. “nana i...“ jeno starts only to pause. “i — i’m sorry.” jeno says finally, eyes watering.

jaemin feels his hands go numb, his heart stops. “i love you jaemin,” jeno says seriously. “so much. but not —“

“the way i love you,” jaemin finishes quietly. jeno can only nod, watching jaemin’s hands slip away from his. jeno watches him think things through, wanting to apologize one more time. “it’s okay.” he says before jeno can let a sound come out.

“it’s okay,” jaemin repeats as he starts to busy himself with what’s on the table with shaking hands. “i’ll be fine, don’t worry.” a watery laugh forces itself out of jaemin to lighten up the mood, but jeno can only see the way jaemin’s eyes glisten. watching him pour soju in the shot glasses, jaemin’s own glass almost spilling from the amount he had poured. jeno takes the small cup from his heart broken friend’s hand.

“let’s drink, yeah?” jaemin asks quickly, throwing his head back and drinking the bitter drink in one shot, the lump in his throat washing itself down with the alcohol. “we still have food left, let’s keep eating nono.” jaemin finally turns his head to jeno and pauses at the face the he’s giving him. a look of guilt and jaemin can only guess he’s thinking about the future of their friendship after this night.

jaemin reaches to wipe a stray tear sliding down jeno’s cheek with a soft smile. his hand doesn’t leave its place, jaemin not finding the strength to move it. “why are you looking at me like that?” jaemin whispers brokenly. jeno only leans his head closer to his friend’s hand still cupping his cheek. “don’t make me cry.” jaemin retreats his hand back before he could get too attached.

jaemin picks up his bowl of rice and shoves as much of it in his mouth as he could before a sob could erupt and make jeno feel even worst for not loving him back. he swallows the last of his cries, and rice, and hopes jeno can let it go too. instead, he feels jeno’s arms wrap around him and pull him closer. his face now buried in the side of jeno’s neck, his hand coming up to softly stroke the back of jaemin’s head.

jaemin doesn’t waste another second before a wave of tears stream down, trying to muffle his cries in jeno’s neck, it only gets worst when he fully lets jeno’s words sink in.

_’i don’t love you the way you do.’_

it takes a while for jaemin’s cries to finally quiet down, his face still buried in his friend’s neck. “can we stay like this for a while longer?” he whispers, jeno’s hand still caressing the back of his head. “of course.” jeno replies almost immediately. nothing in the world could change how much he cares for jaemin, even if things get awkward after this day, jaemin would always be his best friend.

in jeno’s head, calling jaemin his best friend after the younger had confessed hurts him too. “it isn’t your fault,” jaemin says with fatigue dripping from his words when he notices the look on jeno’s face. “i can’t change the way you feel for me.”

jeno shakes his head in denial. “i can try and,” he stutters to find his next words, what was he going to say? “i can...i’ll just....” jaemin lets out a breath of air, almost like a laugh, which cuts jeno’s train of thought.

“you don’t need to make yourself believe anything,” jaemin reprimanded him softly — because even though jaemin may be an idiot, he already knew love couldn’t be forced. “i didn’t decide to confess to you in hopes you’d lie to comfort me and say you love me, i wanted to tell you so i’d stop deluding myself into thinking you would.” jaemin pushes himself away from jeno’s hold.

he takes jeno’s hand in his own this time and focuses on the way it feels. “and it hurts,” he starts again. “knowing i can’t just wake up and hope that you holding my hand meant so much more than just friends and that maybe we would stay like this forever.”

jeno holds jaemin’s hand tighter in fear it would slip away again. “we don’t need to be...” jeno doesn’t want to admit to jaemin another time that they wouldn’t ever be lovers. “we don’t need to put a label between us to stay together nana, nothing will change.”

jaemin nods with a weak smile. “of course,” as much as it’ll hurt seeing jeno, he knows he can’t live without the older boy either. jaemin already told himself he couldn’t distance himself from someone who’s been with him through thick and thin just because of a rejection, so he won’t. jaemin throws away the last of the emotions still pent up inside of himself, agreeing to forget instead of officially move on. “we’ll always be friends.”

both boys grimace at the words. the movie, long forgotten by them, is finally over; credits rolling as the ending song fills the silence between them. “it’s getting late,” jaemin says. “you should be getting home now.” jeno nods and stands, jaemin following to see him out. as jeno puts his shoes on and gathers what he needs, it’s silent until he’s ready to leave.

“thank you for letting me come over,” jeno says with one hand on the knob. “and thank you for being honest with me.” jaemin fights back the urge to hug him one last time, doubting he’ll ever get anything more than an awkward shoulder pat for the next few months.

jaemin’s already poured his heart and soul out, what’s the use of watching what he says. “thank you for letting me love you.” the seven words unknowingly bring a little bit of peace between them. jeno doesn’t respond to that, taking one last look at jaemin with a smile before leaving him alone for the rest of the night. it only takes a couple of seconds for jaemin to break down again.

“i can’t even blame you for anything.” jaemin says to himself between sobs. he spends the rest of the night crying into his pillow, not bothering to answer donghyuck’s and mark’s calls.

because jaemin will be fine. he’ll watch jeno find true love and maybe, along the way, he’ll find someone too. it’ll probably take more than just a few weeks, maybe some months, or even a couple of years.

but maybe jaemin won’t ever move on.

and remembering the happiness and pure bliss jeno seemed to carry with himself whenever he was with jaemin, it wouldn’t be a surprise if he would always be stuck in this situation.

hopelessly and eternally in love with jeno.

and to jaemin...it doesn’t sound all that bad.

**Author's Note:**

> if y’all actually like this then maybe i’ll write a sequel/epilogue or another short chapter in jeno’s pov, thank you for reading!


End file.
